Namesake

 

Leaves in autumn:

Wonder who called it 'leaves'!

~ 26May25

Self-Enquiry

 

The wonders a bit of self-enquiry does, 

in the middle of one's falling and falling!

~ 25May25

Sleep Game

 

Feeling sleepy and tired for no particular reason need not be an indication of depression; it could be just anemia. And can be balanced by proper nutrition, hydration, and exercise. Here, exercise can be replaced by physical movement. And when it is done with some fun, like a sport, and with some purpose, it is a real game changer.

~ 25May25

Teeth

 

We've been given such small teeth and not being able to take proper care of it (even one at a time) indicates inattention, lack of mindfulness, and improper application of mind. So it's something to do with the mind. Now, extend it to the other body parts.

~25May25

Traffic Hype

 

Slow moving traffic 

is not worth the hype at all… 

especially, 

when you are on a two-wheeler, 

and you have somewhere to go 

something important to do

and have very little time.

~ 27 April 2025

Beware

 

No matter how much 

of an egomaniac you are,

The only person 

who can sideline you,

condescend you, 

wag his index finger at you, 

and make you cut a sorry face,

is the traffic policeman 

So, beware!

~ 27 Apr 2025

Earning and Spending

 

For what cause 

Are you getting and 

spending kaasu?

~ 18 Apr 2025

Parenting Bee

 

After parenting my two sons who are in their teens now, somehow, I feel that I only got it right the third time... when parenting my pet cat.

~ 18 Apr 2025

Relationship Advice

You may come across people who like the same things as you do.

But don't be misled into taking that for being like-minded.

It can lead to a lot of miscommunication.

~ 12 Apr 2025

Only You

 

I would

If I could

keep your names

as the title of all my poems

dear, bittersweet and petrichor!

~ 10 Apr, 2025

A Family - Not Be Like

 

I am the mother of our offsprings

I can make food and take good care But I am not your lover I am the provider for our family

I can make money and buy things But not be your lover ~ 14Jul25

Terrace Bird

 

What did the terrace bird say

in your ear today

I am sure it was full of mirth 

unlike the humans on earth

Did it ask for more food 

like little Mr Twist did, or

was it happy with what you gave 

and sing you the hymn you pray 

~ 08Jul25 

Today

 

Silent office 

Bright lights

Empty cubicles

Deafening silence

Structured thinking

Uninterrupted me time

Absolute introspection

~ 07Jul25 

Knowing Self

 

When you perceive 

what you are going through 

And are thoroughly

confused about it

You are fixated in getting

an understanding 

of the situation, and which

in part is also about yourself

After a few days of rumination

And practicing Rilke’s idea

of living the question

You put it on paper, accept, 

surrender, and let go. 

As progress, 

it cracks a part of the code 

You then decide you must 

take it to the oracles and 

later also to the someones 

who are partly involved in it

And they all look at you

without the judgemental eyes

Accept you for what you are

and validate your feelings

You realise and get affirmed 

that you are not out of range

And certainly are in the hands

of the someone safe

Then the right phrase for it

presents itself and brings a 

new dimension, and unknots

the remains of the confusion 

That there is a ‘charm’ 

in a new friendship

amidst life's other hardships

And it can bring such calm

It helps you understand

a part of yourself 

which you never have been

able to decode 

The ‘word’ certainly 

tends to multiply

to let bliss into your life.

~ 06Jul25

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Things I Know For Sure

 

I see the softness in the 

glow of the morning star 

and there's nothing to sulk

when the glow gives in 

on arrival of the morning sun

The point is to be present

Nature has its sweet rhythm

and it doesn't bend or break 

for anyone's whims and fancies

There is religion in birds

for each sing their own prayers

some only twice in the day

at the dawn and the dusk 

and some all through the day

All the monstrous acts

that defy humankind, such as 

a Hitler’s tyranny, could not 

have thrived in a monastery

A dog will wag its tail 

A cat will slow-blink its eyes

when you call their name 

And expecting otherwise

will only give in to our vices 

And so is it with people

Attention, imagination, hope,

and more than anything, 

kindness - all must be pursued 

with as much diligence and worry

as objects of impermanence 

Self-enquiry is the 

only surest way forward

And how far one can see,

in the direction of well-being

will determine how well we 

want to live our everyday life

~ 05Jul25

Conversations with Someone and Self

 

Dear someone,

I wonder why I say so much

Am I starved or are you delicious

Are you therapeutic or do I need attention, 

or maybe, I wanted to just talk to someone

Why should I know, I wonder…

I think of the merit in the friendship

Or what if after sometime I discover

That our core values don't match 

And regret having wasted time of both

Or disclosed too much

Would I have said so much

If you were of the other gender

If you were not light skinned

If you did not look pleasant

If I didn't have the luxury of 

both your time and my time

Why am I so analytical about it

Am I impatient, seeking sympathy, 

or asking for answers

Along the way, I also wonder about intentions

For that matter, everyone's intentions, and

the process of making friends…

Is my process flawed?

I go back to my past with guilt 

of picking friends with benefits 

But everyone does, don't they?

Well, let's see what it takes…

When we are young, 

we like our acquaintances for some odd reasons

We do a lot of talking, goofing around, 

and doing things together, in repetition, day after day

We hardly notice that it has been unfolding, 

all the while, unawares

And, like magic… friends just happen

Later on, it's friends for life, if it stands the test of time.

We may get to notice the flaws, but don't mind them, 

or work around it

When we are in midlife,

We rush past our lives and attend only to priorities

We give no space for the magic to happen

We hardly have the time to talk to the someones

We are also afraid, and wary of getting hurt

We don't make an attempt in the fear of shame, 

or the suffering of betrayal or of losing them

Or, are too self-absorbed in our mundane lives

So what do we do…

When the setting to make friends is unfamiliar 

or the setting is completely lost or absent

When our conscious self is adept

at noticing the other's  interests, problems, values, views

And it dwells on likes and prejudices,

making the space between the two to dissolve or increase

And only wants to flock with the ones of the same feather 

So, it's ok, if all of it does not align

It helps to be aware that there are different ways 

of getting to know people

And works well if we are open to experiences

It's ok to have conversations with the someones…

As long as we are kind to each other 

and know that we want nothing from the other

So, let's let our guard down as many times 

as we had to pull them up in the past 

And for as many times, when there's a chance 

for light to shine on our life which at times runs pale

for there is nothing to lose in this transient realm 

for there's no sure way to know more of the someones

Inside us and otherwise.

~ 04Jun25 to 03Jul25

Wishes on Your B'day

 

Here are some flowers 

(read words) on your birthday!

To set a poem on a person

for a good long time I've known

is not so much fun

I fear that my mind might 

pluck some and leave some 

of our thoughts in my garden

For this same reason, 

I am not so good 

at farewell speeches

‘cos I am convinced that

the memories we've made

are enough

And to summarise 

indicates an end… Perhaps, 

I am shy and superstitious

But if I wish to send love

to someone far

words are all that I have

So, in the pretext of wishing 

you and your beautiful mind, 

I slip in a wish for me as well

that we continue our good run 

in picking each other's brain

~ 27 Jun 2025

Is it Me or Is It You

 

Everytime I see you, 

I ask myself:

how can I possibly look 

eye to eye and smile at you

Despite me, despite you

and despite all that we've

done to each other

And then, 

I remember the time…

Ages ago,

how I had looked at you 

so lovingly for a while,

while your attention 

was elsewhere

And it all made sense

just when I read a poet say:

When you take a long, loving

look anywhere, you feel more

bonded with whatever you've

looked at.

~ 25Jun25

And then what?

Not being pessimistic, but

things did come into perspective

When I was living my days 

through questions of overwhelm,

and self-doubt, and I asked myself: 

and, then what?

I have to mention, 

my life got much simpler.

In fact, it has ever been so,

after I started asking:

yeah, so what?

Note to Self: 

Later, I realized why the question ‘And, Then What’ made so much sense. It is a modified, short-term, immediate version of death or impermanence meditation (aka Tryambakam Mantra). Of which, apparently, I seem not to have understood the practicality of it, though I have been reciting it often. In other words, I knew the meaning that death is inevitable and when death comes I need to accept it without resistance because that is the way of life. However, I did not know how to apply, or when to apply, and on what to apply.

Accepting death of self is fine, of others is to an extent fine. And death is a grave concept, and is also not something that we experience in our everyday lives. But then there is grief along with death, which is not attachment per se; grief is a human aspect, like how to love is to be human. To deal with grief is somehow greater than dealing with the concept of death or detachment. Somehow, even though we have conceptualised death very well, or say that we need to imagine or remember it so as to prepare for it, when it comes to dealing with death and grief practically, the gap is too huge. Unless one goes through it, there is no way to get acquainted with it. Anyways...

Death aside, there are greater aspects of detachment that one needs to be acquainted with, in everyday life. The obvious ones such as material detachment are easy to deal with; but the unusual suspects that you get attached to unawares is the problem area. These are aspects such as people, habits, and places. That is where the ‘And, then what’ question helped me. For example, if we do so, then what... And then, after a few months, will it matter at all? Are you going to feel the same way after a year?

~ 05Jun25

Let's Be Flowers

 

Clearly, I can see

You want to ask me, 

your new friend,

Why I say so much 

without any inhibition?

May be I am audacious.

But, I don't mind the cost

of being brushed

in the hope of letting

something blossom

My point is…

Why not more fragrance

in a world that's decaying

~ 25May25

Numb

 

In my deep sleep

when you were in my dreams

My fingers got numb 

for sleeping in a way 

that cut off blood supply

And in my sleep I thought: 

Touching my numb fingers 

felt like feeling you through me

~ 21May25 

Bittersweet

You were like my love for coffee 

that I picked late in life

I loved the sweetness, 

but it came at some cost 

After denial came acceptance

of the fact that I cannot take you

with your innate bitterness.

So, I had no choice but to let go.

But that I still love coffee 

is also undeniable. 

As is with you.

So, I won't mind bearing you,

with ‘a pinch of’ sugar, 

which is just occasionally.

Certainly, now the wrestling

in my mind is settled.

Can I call this closure?

If yes, it did take a while…

Peace, now!

~ 10 Apr 2025

Puncture

My torn heart 

lets your words of yesteryears sew me

unaware that 

the needle eye is no more

~ 10Apr25

Terrace

 

You yearn for the warmth 

of a good friend’s house

that's aplenty of loving gestures 

But all you feel is the unwelcome 

coldness of solitude 

So, you meander through 

your sullenness

feeling the calmness of the

night sky above your head

And in minutes, you find solace

in the winds and the words that 

caress your tired body and mind

Isn't that proof enough

that one thing can be

substituted for another?

08 Apr 2025, 09:41 pm

Quarantine and Teens

 

Well, this comparison came to me this morning: about my state of being when I was in COVID quarantine and dealing with a teenager. I know it would sell for a good meme, but since it's not my area of expertise though it may be something I would love to consume, I will just have to stick to writing it down.

Put on the masks aka Talk less

Maintain safe distance

Eat healthy

Sleep on time

Exercise for sure

Practice mindfulness aka yoga aka meditation

~ 06Apr25

Omane from Aadujeevitham

 

Note: the song is best experienced using headphones.

A disclaimer: I know it's a tad too late to write about the song, maybe, I am a year late. But given my confidence in its longevity, it's just delayed justice. It's a classic and needs no further explanation.

The song begins with a curious BGM and continues for most part of the song, guiding the song like the rail for the train. Through the entire song, it moves like water gently folding and making progression towards a destination it's sure of. And in just a few seconds, Chinmayi is almost speaking out the verses in monotone. She starts off singing like a person wandering in the woods, singing their favourite song so softly, and they are like a teaser or a precursor trying to convey about what's to come. 

In the background, you can faintly hear the santoor, cello, violin, and tabla playing shyly and humbly like they are being introduced to the audience who are to listen to an epic of a song. 

And then again, Chinmayi sings the same verses in a way that sounds like someone saying, ‘I repeat…’. By now, all the instruments are playing their notes in a beautiful flow.

Just when we think we are getting used to the song, Vijay Jesudas  comes in, with his first cameo act. He sings with so much emotion, a contrast to Chinmayi’s monotony in the beginning verses. Now the song is cruising ahead, like the train that's steadying and in full swing, on autopilot. And Chinmayi goes ahead with her part in full prowess. You cannot stop wondering about what to notice: her voice, inflections, or the way she effortlessly delivers the complex Malayalam lyrics. 

A note about the lyrics: I bet you cannot sing along, even after multiple attempts, and strategies such as listening to it a hundred times may help. I suppose you don't have to bother so much if your native language is Malayalam. This is in contrast to songs like Malare that have simpler and listener-friendly words. I've tried all means: to listen to it by paying full attention, sometimes by letting it play in the background, sometimes by understanding the lyrics, sometimes by reading it without the song, and trying to read the lyrics and sing along. Anyways, with respect to the sweetness of the song, somehow, I liked listening to the Telugu version best after the Malayalam version. Tamil, Kannada, and Hindi were ok.

So, back to Chinmayi. I've missed her so much since the likes of Kannathil, Enna Idhu, Zehanazeeb, and Titli, that now it's come to the point of not recognizing her voice. Of course, I was too preoccupied with my life. I must be… because even for me to be dazed in the voice of Kadhale from 96, it took quite a while! Obviously, Chinmayi is absolutely amazing. Add to the list of missing things in my life, and tending to the point of forgetting: the genius that Rahman is. This song compensates for everything.

Back to the song… by now, the first quarter of the song is done, which is almost like a teaser to the song. And, in the middle of the song comes a breather in the form of a chorus that sings carnatic, folk, and hindustani, followed by a qawwali. All blend together and one after the other in the middle portion of the song. The highlight of the qawwali is that it's sung not in the usual high-pitched rustic male voice, but in a cooing light-weight female voice, and that's something unusual yet amazing. The entire song sounds like it has a different structure because of this chorus. 

So, there's not a quiet moment in the song, like in most songs where the instruments play for a bit. The only time you can hear just the music is in the ending.

At this point, it's worth mentioning about the transitions: though there are a lot of times where the song changes hands, like Chinmayi handing it over to Vijay Yesudas, and back to her, and again from her to the chorus. Even until this point, there is no trace of transition elements, and yet the song goes on so smoothly. The best part comes when the song transitions from chorus to the qawwali bit. This is certainly the proof of inventiveness of ‘the’ Rahman: with just a half second of tabla playing, the song completely changes mood, with only the tabla and harmonium playing in the background. And the next transition is from qawwali to Chinmayi. Now the curious BGM comes to rescue, and we have no trouble getting back to square one with how Chinmayi started off. The penultimate transition is from Vijay Yesudas to Chinmayi, and that's rather abrupt: when he goes off on high-pitch, Chinmayi takes over the reins in a very unwelcome manner. But we can hardly think of it as rudeness. It is sweet, because she is on a mission: to safely steer, what started to look like a catamaran when the song started off, and that has now turned into a huge gigantic titanic.

So, in the last quarter, the instruments play along with singers, with the assertive authority of someone who's got the hang of the song. What played very tentatively in the beginning, like seeking permission, now plays in a very sure-footed manner. Both the singers sing like they are traversing through a familiar terrain, a known territory with the support of the instruments. 

And in the end, when the mood changes to we bidding farewell, the music slows down like they are applying the brakes to a giant juggernaut, and ending on a rather melancholic note. By now, we experience that we've travelled through the life of a great long-winding epic.

~ 16Mar2025

Reading The Authenticity Project

 

Getting started

I placed an online order of the book The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley sometime in Jan 2023. During the few days I was waiting for the book to arrive, I had exclaimed to C that the only imagery that came by when I thought about the book was me gently and lovingly dropping on the bed with the book in both my arms. And reading it to my heart’s content. Like it was a real person!

That was how much I was excited by the book; of course I did not know what the book was about and chanced upon it by recommendations from somewhere, and the convincing point for me to buy it was Sophie Kinsella’s take on the book. So… the imagery of me lying on the bed with the book could be because I was going to read a fiction book after a long time: not the serious ones along the lines of The Kite Runner or The Good Earth, but the light-hearted ones. Speaking of that category, I've loved reading Sophie Kinsella's books, and was even more delighted that she had written a praise for this book.

Forgotten 

I guess by the end of the first quarter of 2023, after dad's death-facing episode, I kinda lost touch with the book. Add to it the table tennis rigor and other distractions associated with it, new books (Five Regrets of the Dying and so on), dad's death, mom's cancer treatment, and new school for the boys. So, it was basically a perfect sabotage to make me completely forget about the book, as well as the whatever little flow that I had in my life.

Getting back

I hardly remember why I got back to the book. Perhaps, I chanced upon the book after I rearranged my so-called library because mom had come back after six months of staying away at M's place owing to chemo treatment. And add to it my memory of the fondness with which I held the book the first time and started reading it.

The feeling

With any book that I am reading, I mostly rely on the bookmark to pick where I had left, and I've never had difficulties picking up the context, even if I was coming back after a week or so. But then, they were all non-fiction. With this one, when I started reading from the page where I placed the bookmark, I could hardly remember why all the characters in the book were together in one place. So, I went back one chapter. Nope. Absolutely blank!

I knew all of them in the book, their back story, but then, was completely agnostic of where they are in their lives. I flipped back a few more pages and skipped a few more chapters back in time. And then, I completely gave it up. I felt like I had amnesia, not of self but of other people's lives. So, I decided that instead of being so unsure I might as well start from the beginning. So almost 270 pages of reading went in vain! I was like, me getting hooked to a book is like a rare phenomenon, and now this!

With the number of ‘work in progress’ books, I wonder how many times I am going to have to feel this way in my life…

~24Feb2025

Making Sense

 

When music works on me

my life seems to me 

like a copy-color book

It piques my mind

I pick the colour it tells

And shade my thoughts

under its spell

At times, 

it makes me 

imagine and invent 

new hues, and

splash splendid shades

on my mundane life

At times,

it singles out a subtle emotion

wading through the pool 

of fluidic memories

illuminating it

So I can examine later

in greater detail

Like the sight of food

evoking a sense of taste 

One sense can make another.

The sound of music

for me

evokes a sense of colour 

~ 23 Feb 2025

Courtesy: Thendral vandhu theendum pothu enna vannamo...

For Dis-ease To Go

 

Physical

Cut a negative: Avoid eating junk food

Add a positive: Choose good food

Enhance: Do physical activity

Mental 

Cut a negative: Avoid anger

Add a positive: Sleep well

Enhance: Do breathwork

~21 Feb 2025

Understanding People

 

A child is born out of the labour of love is a mix of chromosomes from both sides. Extending this physical phenomena over to the psychological concept of love: the love for a person is not just singularly because of the person being loved; it is in actual your perception of who they are, which is an interpretation of their personality by means of who you are or how you see them. So, you are in love with yourself and the other person, together, when you say you are in love with the other person.

And when it comes to understanding people, there are two sides to it: your side and theirs. There is their side of looking at you, and the reaction, both yours and theirs.

So, at any point in time, it is just a partial understanding between the two that drives the relationship. A partial understanding of who you are, who you are to them, and add to it a partial understanding of who they are to you.

And at any point in time, it is an imagined reality of the other person and their actions. Thanks to Ben Okri for articulating this so well, as well as the buddhist thoughts and concepts of what reality is.

Hence, there is never a complete understanding at any point in time; and it would take years, for even completely conscious beings who have this understanding of how fragile their understanding of each other can be, to be able to correlate each other’s actions. And add to it the effort it takes to come to terms with the other person's idiosyncrasies and shortcomings. That is indeed a lot of time!

So, if the person accepts or rejects or denies another person’s love, it is not entirely because of them or you; there is equal contribution from you and them.

~16 Feb 2025

Clarity

 

Forget living each day of life with clarity…

Even for the phrase ‘moments of clarity’ 

to occur to me, 

in my mind, 

it takes years or months of distraction.

I wonder…

When and how on earth will I progress!

15 Feb, 2025

List - After a long time!

 

Grounded, uninterrupted, blissful solitude, morning rain, piano in the background, the snuggle of the pet and its soft breath on my skin, chirping birds, panoramic terrace view, wet red tiles, occasional writing, reading, mind-wandering, photographing, connecting…

~ 13 Jul 2024

Glad

 

You were the song in loop

That was all over me.

Now, I am over you.

~ 05 July 24

Mistakes, Purpose, and Grace

 

Grace means that all your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

~ Brené Brown

Usually, we feel shame or beat ourselves over the mistakes that we've realised as mistakes. Say for example, the parenting mistakes that we make and realise, through cause and effect as well as exploration. If we are courageous enough, we make sure that we (re)learn the right way, change our ways, and act accordingly. And when we tell and help other parents in need, by way of communicating effectively to not do the same mistakes we did, then there's purpose and gracefulness in that act; even if the acts of ignorance were shameful, when we act with the purpose of relearning and sharing what we know, there is grace in it.

~ 15Jun24