The Wall in my Head

 

At times, I run through our past,

our exchanges and interactions,

like how I would feel a pretty wall,

but with some bumps and cracks.

And for each incident

I keep guessing a probability 

of the cause of the distance.

At times, I say I've gone past 

our state of affairs, 

which seems like it was more of 

my mind playing tricks

based on my expectations

you never met, 

or never had to meet.

Did I 

misread enthusiasm as affection

mistake impulse for attention

misjudge disinterest as preoccupation

misinterpret indifference as silence 

It perhaps was...

A perspective that you never had

An angle that you never viewed us from

Perhaps, the wall is in my head.

Who can tell?

~ 12 Jan, 2024

Imposing

 

Perhaps, i overstepped 'cos

You were the candy store 

for the kid in me

You were my favourite teacher

for the diligent student in me

You were my history 

for all that I could rewrite

You were all those spent years

whose mistakes I could prevent

Now, tell me

Was I too imposing?

~ 12 Dec 23

Sing

 

You say I sing well

And ask me to,

Through a hole in the wall...

But then, you also 

are abound by mischief

'cos you tie my eyes

and ask me to seek the hole.

It's intriguing, i think.

I give it my all

I give it my soul

'cos i am still looking

through my heart.

But then, 

as time passes,

I get desperate.

Even more time passes.

The intriguing 

now becomes suffering.

And now, I start looking

through my mind.

It takes time

for me to realise

if it's mischief, a mistake, 

a mishap, or misanthropy.

I vaguely decide.

I stop searching.

I stop singing for a while.

I lose my voice.

I know it takes time,

And I keep waiting, hoping.

~ 11 Dec 23

Try

 

I keep trying

And you keep trying me

When will this duel end?

I know...

Until it becomes a total struggle.

And until I give up.

~10 Dec 23

From you to me

 

From All over you 

To Over you 

From Who am I to you 

To Who I am

From What was I made for 

To What I am made of 

From End of fantasy 

To Start of reality

From Floating in trance 

To Being grounded

From Why not

To So what

From Questions

To Answers 

From Confusion 

To Clarity 

~ Dec 03, 2023

Cyclone

 

You are rude and rash 

You were loving and calm 

You only get a 'no-show'

from me for this 

Let's be kind and forgiving

Let's be friends again

Dear rain...

~ 03 Dec, 2023

Afloat

 

I am inside the vessel of life:

an object lying at rock bottom

waiting for the elixir of life 

I am thinking that I would be

content and immersed in love

when poured upon me

And when it really does,

I feel elated 

like the parched piece of land 

drenching in rain

But then,

I begin to realise that

I am only partially immersed

as love keeps drenching me

How i wish to be the stone

And not the ball full of vitality!

~ 17 nov 2023

Love

 

In love, the lover and the being loved

get vulnerable enough

to walk together to 

their weakest and darkest parts, 

and

When you meet them there, 

You still continue to love 

yourself and the other more than ever.

That takes real courage and compassion.

~ 31 Oct 23

Unrequited, Unedited

At the fag end of day two,

after we didn't speak...

My thoughts:

I shouldn't have...

Gazed at you so tenderly or

Caressed your brow so gently

while you were asleep the other day.

I shouldn't have...

Decided to live a few definitions

of what it means to love:

To give more than you receive;

To love someone so much 

that they begin to love 

themselves so much more.

I shouldn't have...

Loved you so much that

the only time I didn't think of you

is when you were with me...

Until you call back after 36 hours.

Your words:

How could you even possibly think

You could sleep well

without talking to me?

Hold Me

 

amidst the morning chores, 

the tender thing kept gazing at me, 

and said, 'hold me, dear mother...'

it was the only leaf that 

got left behind 

from being cooked

I said 'sorry' and 

held it for as long as i could.

~ 26 Oct, 23

Anxiety

 

There was a constant chatter 

in my head. 

I kept waiting for you 

at the doors of my phone.

I sighed and told myself,

"Blessed are those 

who have a handful to do"

Then I realized, a tad later, 

that I've been searching and 

waiting at the wrong places.

I had all the love already 

and reassurance is optional.

~Oct 26, 2023

Undress

 

Let me undress you

Real quick... 

I know how a partner 

would wish to get drenched 

by the love of their life

I won't let it go down the drain

cos you've worked so hard

in the scorching sun

to be at this point in life

But this is just not the time...

Dear hanger,

Let me undress you real quick.

I wouldn't mind missing the rain

Just this time!

~ 13 Oct 2023

Compassion and Joy

 

Today, I was at the supermarket picking vegetables and fruits for the week ahead. Among the few of them at the place, there was a really old granny who was also doing her veggie picking. She was accompanied by another old person who was relatively active for her age, and helping her with the buying process. 

At a point in time, I was a feet or so away from her. A moment had come when I had turned to notice her, and she was trying really very hard to bend down to deposit the cauliflower that she had picked, into her basket on the floor. Involuntarily, I reached out to her wrinkled hand, gently took the cauliflower from her, and placed it in her basket. She was obviously surprised by this act and even more surprised to notice that it was not one of the shop's staff who had helped her.

Of course she did not ask for help. Maybe, it could have turned out to be a bad experience for me for being vulnerable: for having taken the risk of offering her my help. In all possibilities, the granny could have been of the kind who gets offended by the fact that someone had doubted her capabilities. Thankfully, that was not the case. She was quick to notice what I just did and thanked me from the bottom of her heart. I accepted her thanks by smiling at her warmly, and moved on.

A few minutes passed by. Now, I was almost crouching to pick fruits from a crate that was placed on the floor. I was too engrossed because I was carefully checking if the fruits were free from insects. Just a few seconds into this act, I noticed someone stooping down to my level and speak to me in the gentlest of the voices I've heard anyone speak to me ever. It was the same old granny asking me to help her pick fruits from the same crate.

I was overwhelming with joy and was moved by the fact that she had welcomed my help in the first act and has now come back to me to take more help without hesitation.

I gladly helped her, and yet again accepted her thanks as well as her blessing that the God bless me abundantly!

~ 07 Oct 2023

Departure

 

For all that I would miss

My heart swells and emotions flare up 

Like the setting half moon in the west

that looks to have gravid and reddened.

I wonder if there's anything to quell...

But we know the drill:

To wait patiently is the key.

For there's hope in 

the many more ‘morrows to come!

~ 22 sep, 2023

Thanksgiving

 

Rain washing the trees' feet...

~ May 30, 2023 

Coconut

 

The coconut is 

like my hardheaded teenager.

I realise this after seeing 

the burning red mole-like scar 

on my little finger

This coconut that I held 

in my palm a few days ago 

And hit hard on its skull 

to get to the fruit...

As a retaliation, 

the split halves fought back 

to seal the crack,

biting my little finger

right at the circle of breach

~ Apr 28, 2023

Cigar

 

A tentative clothes peg

gripped the clothesline

Like

A cigar dangling on the

edges of an insouciant smoker

~ 07 Jan 2023

Sometimes

 

It's a rainy midday, and

there's so much ground to cover 

to finish the day

I feel so much like that solitary bird

sitting solemnly and

so still on a cable

getting itself drenched in the rain

It looked like it was taking on

some self-inflicted pain, 'cos

I hardly noticed any change

in its posture, to adjust

to the cold around

I began to ponder

Why so do we birds throw 

ourselves into such depressing situations?

~ 01 Sep 22